January 17, 2009

Strange Sky Mall Sightings

I fly a lot to and from school.  I'll be very happy to not do it as frequently as I do now someday.  Occasionally I'll notice the Sky Mall catalogue, and then ignore to look at the safety placard since I find that more necessary and, quite honestly, more interesting.  I'm not one who believes in shopping as a past time, so shopping while I'm flying home or to school thousands of miles in the air isn't appealing to me.  But this time I thought "Well, maybe there's some undiscovered  find that I can share with my readers!"  

There is a reason why this stuff has been undiscovered.  

Don't believe me?  Okay either the stuff is overpriced, gimmicky, explicity nouveau-riche, or no one would want to buy them in the first place so the only place the retailer can find refuge for their god forsaken product is in Sky Mall.   Okay that is a little harsh.  Some of the stuff is useful.  But here is a list of things--mostly gadgets since I don't think you guys care about trouser racks--that is just bizarre and in Sky Mall.  I also want to note that some links are missing due to the fact that Sky Mall's site didn't like me tonight.  With that, we're just going to leap right into the strange and start with the
Big Foot Garden Sculpture. Yes, the Big Foot Garden Sculpture.  I don't think I could say Big Foot Garden Sculpture enough times for me to believe that it exists.  Let me try that one more time.  Big Foot Garden Sculpture.  Nope, I still don't believe it exists.

This thing is creepy.  Think about how that will look late at night.  Your neighbors will think you're constantly getting robbed.  Passersby will have heart attacks because they will seen a monster hiding behind your foliage.  And imagine all the ignorant yeti hunters that will ruin your lawn!

I don't see this being in a garden that looks that nice in the picture.  It is in some lawn in a trailer park where some guy saved up to get it, and occasionally decorates the structure with a beer can and a trucker hat so people can mistake it for his Uncle Harry late at night.  You know who you are, ugly lawn dude!  Hope the local teenagers steal it and take pictures of them humping it to teach you some sense of landscaping taste!

What do you think this next item is?  A bluetooth headset?  It certainly looks like one.  If it were, I would have no immediate problem with it.  Alas, it is a ruse!  This is the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier.  It's actually a cheap ass hearing aid in the clever disguise of a cell phone headset.  Apparently this is supposed to make you look young  and hip while helping you hear without looking like a geezer.  Young and hip?

This, my friends, does not look young or hip.

In fact, that guy is using the amplifier thing to trick that young woman in the picture.  "Hey honey, I'm really only 35.  I swear that smell is not depends and bengay."  

I'm already annoyed by jerks who feel the need to show how important they are by having me listen to their calls on the train back from a long day's commute.  I'm even more disgusted by a product that allows the hearing impaired to pretend to be one of those jerks for a mere forty bucks.

And this isn't geezer stealth.  This, dear readers, is geezer stealth.

Okay, so if the stealth sound amplifier wasn't bad enough, how about the Electronic Listening Device?  This can hear sounds up to 300 feet away.  This is okay if you're a private investigator. This is not okay if you're the nosy housewife from church who lives down the street from me.  This is exactly what the town needs, a tool for the local snoop to use.  At least it's obvious when someone is using this thing, with it's highly sophisticated dish that is big enoug to serve a tv dinner on.  

The Listening Device also looks like it's from an old spy movie, which of course validates its high quality.  However, if that is from an old spy movie, 
the Head Spa Massager is from a british sci-fi series from the 70s.  I swear the costumes crew from Doctor Who made this out of a bike helmet for some alien race, but realized it would work when Tom Baker couldn't stop laughing at it.  

I'm all for a good head massage, but thinking practically, this thing looks like it weighs about 10 pounds at least.  That's a lot to put on top of your already heavy head. (Because it's so full of knowledge, right?)  This doesn't look comfortable, and you could only get me to use this if I needed it to crash land on an alien planet and I could take it off before I got out of the ship.  

Look at this guy.  He's ready to boldly go where no idiotic headgear has gone before!

Stop for a moment and think about what this product is before you scroll down.  Examine it, analyze every detail you can in this picture.  After you've given it a good, long, hard look, I would like you to speculate what this device might be?

An alarm clock?

A night light?

A hamster heater?


None of the above, would you believe me if I told it it was...
a hair restoration device?

That's right, using lasers, you can make your hair grow back thicker and fuller!  The HairLaser (such a creative name) uses "15 distinct points of laser light" to help you obtain the luscious locks that you desire!

Okay, this is probably some of the worst pseudo science I've seen to date.  Aren't lasers used for hair removal, along with getting rid of wrinkles and tattoos?  How is that suppose to help hair grow?

If I think about it too much my brain may crash.

Finally, there is the Electric Food Steamer and Rice Cooker.  This is probably the most practical thing on the list.  I just have three qualms with it. One, that meal looks pretty bland.  Two, it looks kind of funny.  It's a food skyscraper in your kitchen!  Three, this is a perfectly fine device if you're someone who's a good cook.  However, if you're a bad cook this is a great way to mess up every component of the meal you hope to eat.  So if you can't cook, do NOT think this will save your dinner party!

Alright, that's all for now, but there's so much more I may have to do this again.  

1 comment:

  1. A local pizza joint has that Bigfoot sculpture at the end of their bar. Of course, I live in a town where there is a Bigfoot museum...so, yeah.

    BTW, if you want to be reunited with that dinosaur with a massive melon, he's yours - free of charge!